One of the biggest lessons I have learned as a couples therapist is that we all need to practice fighting.
That’s right. We all fight.
And you might not know this, but fights can actually be positive, collaborative experiences for couples, rather than events that cause more discord over time.
Because we all fight, we need to get better at it. We obviously want to fight with our partners less, but we do not get there by avoiding conflict or suppressing our feelings. We get there from getting better at conflict. I’m sure we would all agree that having a disagreement that lasts five to twenty minutes is much better than a fight that lasts hours and feels like a marathon with lots of different epochs. The truth is, we get better at conflict by being able to resolve the conflict more effectively. What do I mean by more effectively?
Being effective at conflict means a number of different things. But the primary factor I want to focus on is simply: practice. We get better at things that we practice; by keeping sustained attention on it. If we practice the violin, we are going to get better at the violin. If we consistently get good exercise then we are going to become more fit. It’s a reductive but nonetheless accurate and simple principle. If we practice conflict with our partner then we are just going to get better at it. If we keep our focus and our collaborative intelligence on HOW we fight, then we are going to find ways of being better at it. (And better doesn’t mean winning, but rather coming to understandings and new ways to move forward with our partner.)
Most of us put off fighting until is absolutely necessary. Why rock the boat? It seems quite understandable to only fight when we must. However, this is a problematic strategy for two primary reasons.
Firstly, if we only fight when we have to, then we are going to be fighting when both people are likely very activated and upset. This makes fighting harder right out of the gate because there is something that one or both of us already feels strongly about. Our feelings are likely already hurt so our level of activation at the outset of the fight is high. I like to use a simple 0-10 scale. Zero is completely regulated and calm. Ten is completely disregulated, and unable to hear our partner or communicate clearly. If we wait to fight until it’s absolutely necessary then we are likely waiting until we hit at least a five out of ten on the scale. This reduces the chances of the fight going as well as it could.
To practice, I recommend consciously picking fights about things that are important but not that important. Said another way, we can pick fights about things that are real to us but aren’t triggering enough that we are above a five out of ten. To get started you can begin with something that quite trivial. “I really get frustrated when you load the dishwasher front to back instead of back to front. It drives me crazy! Can you please just load it back to front?” That seems pretty low in terms of importance right? It’s hard to imagine that fight spiraling out of control. So let’s put that at a one out of ten.
However, now imagine someone gets defensive or dismissive hearing this. Something like, “Why are you so picky?”, or “What’s the big deal?” Now you’re not in a fight about the dishwasher. Now you’re in a fight about HOW you fight. Now you’re in a fight about being defensive and dismissive, which is a very important fight to have because it sets the culture of the relationship. It establishes a norm about HOW you’re relating to each other in a conflict, however big or small.
Now imagine that person who was dismissive about the dishwasher does this regularly. The likelihood of having this conversation go well is going to be higher if you enter it from a regulated place; from a starting point that is lower stakes. – I don’t really understand the previous sentence, flesh it out a bit. The conflict most likely won’t go well if it’s about something that’s much more triggering like money, or drugs and alcohol, or sex because you’re starting place will likely be above a 5 on the scale.
Secondly, we are trying to avoid a negative association of fighting. If we wait to fight only when it is absolutely necessary, then people begin to associate having conflict with it being a long and tiresome process. We then associate bringing something important and authentic to our partners with difficulty and challenge. This makes people more reluctant to initiate important conversations. If I’m afraid to bring something up because I anticipate a difficult and exhausting process, then why would I bring it up? I wouldn’t. I would avoid it; quite understandably. I don’t want to deal with how my partner is going to react, especially if they have a track record of being defensive, dismissive or stonewalling.
Conversely, If you know the process is going to go well, even if it’s hard, then you won’t hesitate to bring things up. If you know your partner is going to be open, kind, self-reflective and collaborative then you’re more likely to initiate fights. This will increase the likelihood of having a more positive experiences of conflict. Now you have a more nuanced association of conflict. It’s difficult but is ultimately good for your relationship. Your partner gets defensive sometimes but not all the time. You have both challenging experiences as well as positive experiences because you get to a resolution quickly and efficiently. You associate challenge with you and your partner being kind to one another, listening and collaborating well. All because you practice. All because you practice from a lower starting point. You practice often to bring things up before it gets too bad; before you get overly activated.
Imagine bringing up a fight by asking, “Hey hunny, can we please talk about how you dismissed me yesterday about the dishwasher? I don’t want to have a long fight, I’m not upset. You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t want to make you feel bad. I just noticed that it hurt my feelings. It felt like you flippantly dismiss me sometimes in the everyday tasks of life and I don’t like it. This feels like a three out of ten for me.” This shows that they have already been practicing. I am being careful not to turn it into a bigger argument by saying right at the beginning that it’s not above a five out of ten. That I don’t want to make it a five out of ten. I don’t want to blame you or make you feel bad. I just want to talk about my feelings and address our habits of communicating with each other during the busy-ness of the day. Now we are getting somewhere!
Another important principle relevant here is building a habit of checking in with each other about these fights. Imagine coming back to your partner a day or two after an important conversation and just checking in about it. “Hey, how are you feeling since our chat last Sunday?” Or “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what you said last Sunday and I’m wondering if we can just check in about how we’re both feeling about it a few days later.” This is maintenance. You don’t wait until the next fight. Bring this up before you feel like you need to. It shows that you care, that you’re being thoughtful and proactive about keeping your relationship healthy and free of resentments that build over time.
Try fighting about something that’s a four or below once a week. Dedicate time out of your week to going to the gym of conflict in your relationship. Get in the reps. You will get stronger and smarter. You will start to set the tone of how these conversations will go. And after time that will shift the culture of your communication so much so that when you do need to have a fight that is a nine or ten out of ten, you have great habits in place. Practicing fighting is a habit and a skill that will dramatically help your relationship.
Couples therapy is a great container for practicing conflict. It is helpful to fight in front of a trained professional who can help you to build more positive experiences of challenge in your relationship.