We hear a lot about secure attachment these days, which is wonderful. A securely attached (or secure functioning) relationship is one where trust is inherent, and where communication is open and honest. A secure couple can navigate conflict well. The good news is: if you don’t have a secure relationship now, you can build your way toward a securely functioning partnership through couples counseling.
1. Partners operate as a multi-person psychological system.
A multi-person psychological system recognizes and works within an interdependent system. I am responsible for me. You are responsible for you. And we are responsible for us. There is overlap between all three of those categories but secure functioning requires attention on the relationship as its own entity.
What this means in practicality is there must be a focus on developing and utilizing co-regulation strategies, habits and practices. Co-regulation means that our nervous systems are able to trust one another, calm each other down and provide a deep sense of safety not just physical, but emotionally, psychologically, spiritually etc. Interactive regulation can look a lot of different ways: face to face conversations and arguments; eye contact, supportive physical touch, taking walks together, snuggling etc.
We both invest in the relationship knowing that my success and fulfillment as an individual is largely dependent on the health of the relationship that I contribute to.
2. Our relationship is based on attraction and not fear.
Operating as a multi-person psychological system will allow you to more easily feel attraction rather than fear. We all have attachment wounding that can be difficult to overcome. We all experience fear in a myriad of ways in relationship. It can be quite difficult to lean in and towards your partners when you’re hurt, overwhelmed or angry. Knowing that you can bring all your feelings and experiences into the relationship creates trust. That doesn’t mean you should bring ALL your feelings, but rather that you know you can. We aspire to feel the value of leaning into your partner rather than avoiding or escaping. If I know that you will listen to me, hold me, take me seriously, respect me etc…then I’ll be much more likely to lean in when I’m activated and triggered rather than giving into fear and leaning away from the relationship.
3. Mutually amplified positives/mutually attenuated and foreshortened negatives.
Focus on the positive. Feed it. This does not come at the expense of working your issues and problems. We attend to those thoroughly as well. But if I perpetually over-focus on what’s lacking or what’s not working then it’s going to be hard for you to lean into me. If you feel constantly on the defensive or constantly criticized, then you’re simply not going to want to spend as much time with me or talk to me. Date nights need to be fun! You have to acknowledge and celebrate each others’ successes, talents and strengths. I lift you up and you lift me up. This will create a culture of relationship that has more boyancy. Here’s an analogy for all you sports fans out there: We’re on the same team. Within the game we’re playing we don’t stop to criticize each other’s mistakes of misplays. We celebrate a good catch, rebound and goal. Likewise, we view our partners as being on the same team within the game of relationship.
4. Truly mutual: “good for me and good for you.”
This continues to build from the previous points. When I lift you up, I am lifting myself up at the same time. We are an interdependent system. If you are thriving then your extra resource will invest and pour back into the relationship. We all have the experience of life that when we are stressed, overwhelmed and over-worked, we just don’t have as much energy or attention to give. Those of us with children have a profound understanding of this. It’s not that I don’t want to be sweet to you and give you compliments and rub your feet and cook you dinner…it’s just that I’m exhausted and have nothing left to give.
The more we can focus on constantly investing in the other person, the more it will come back around. This also prevents a tug-of-war system where my needs and wants come at the expense of yours. If it constantly feels like that then we will be less enthusiastic about truly, generously giving to our partners. Do not underestimate the power of small but consistent gestures. You are in each other’s care. Take care of each other.
5. Mutual protection of the relationship in public and private.
I have worked with many couples that have lingering wounds around these experiences for years, even decades. It is exceptionally important for us to protect our reputations. Our sense of good-standing and belonging in community should not be underestimated. We must protect each other in community. We must protect each other’s reputation (even in small ways). This means not throwing our partners under the bus when they are not around. This means not tolerating others talking poorly of our partners in front of us and letting it slide. This means having each other’s backs. I have to know that my partners speaks about me well behind my back. Disagreements are fine, and they should even be encouraged to create an overall sense of pluralistic cohesion. However, protection of the relationship is primary. We must be good stewards of our safety and security in the relationship. This includes the management of thirds (I’ll speak more about the management of thirds more thoroughly in another blog post). If strong disagreements come up and need to be worked through, work through them in private.
6. Partners are skilled at quickly shifting one another’s state.
If you are upset, I should be able to meet you there and calm you down. If you are in a shut down (dorsal vagal activation) then I should be able to lift you up. This comes with time and knowing your partner well. I know what works and what doesn’t. For example, when my wife is triggered with anything, it’s safe to say that the more I talk to her the less effective and helpful I become. My wife needs touch and physical reassurance to feel safe and comforted. Not words. This took years of us being together to realize and even longer for me to be able to start implementing it well enough to become a habit and a quick response for me. In short, partners become experts on one another.
7. Quick repair.
Try your best to resolve conflicts before short-term memory converts to long-term memory (typically 36-48 hours). If circumstances prevent this, then provide reassurance that it will be discussed as soon as possible.
Being in conflict and in an activated state is tiring. The longer we stay in that state we experience diminishing returns in terms of the quality of the discussion. Becoming more efficient with fighting takes practice. Successful couples are able to resolve issues more quickly. They know they are not signing up for hours and hours of difficult conversation. If that’s the typical experience and time frame then it will become something to dread and avoid rather than move towards with relative confidence and ease.
8. Partners can handle any conflict without fear of disregulation.
Building off the previous point, if I expect disregulation in most of our conflicts then I’m not going to look forward to that conflict. Leaning in to the relationship requires trust, confidence and ease. If I know, that you will be able to stay calm and reasonable then I’ll be much more likely to want to move towards you and engage.
Being able to identify the difference between intense emotion and disregulated emotion is absolutely paramount. I see a lot of this with couples. A lot of people are scared of intense feeling and emotion. This is not the same as being disregulated. A good litmus test for this is using a scale from 0-10. Zero being perfectly calm and 10 being completely disregulated. In fights and times of intensity, take a step back and assess what number you’re at. Ask your partner where they are. I would say that more successful fighting happens at 6 and below. In between 6-8 is do-able but difficult and not sustainable for a long period of time. If you’re above an 8 then you should not be processing. All attention should simply go to bringing you back into regulation. The conversation can resume when that happens. Being able to assess your state and the state of your partner should be an aspect of your relationship that you agree to check in about while you’re having serious discussions or fighting.
9. Partners have a good ability to play.
Lastly, and certainly not least, is the ability to play. Couples that laugh and have fun together are simply happier and more fulfilled. We can easily overemphasize our problems, our difficulties and what’s not working (especially in psychotherapy in general). Focusing and putting attention on what’s working will allow you to have the default, resting state of your relationship be in one that is fun, light-hearted and nourishing.
If you think we might be a good fit, please reach out and we can set up a free 30-minute consultation. I look forward to meeting you!